Tehran,Iran- Cheers erupted last Friday evening as Iran’s presidential election ended with Hassan Rouhani becoming the 2013 president-elect of Iran. “I’m just so happy right know, I’m not even sure what I’m doing here!” said a drunken partygoer celebrating on the streets after the election results were announced.
During his inaugural speech, Rouhani promised Iranians sweeping country-wide reforms in order to turn Iran from a downtrodden Muslim ghetto into a global economic powerhouse, much like the United States. He outlined his plans to improve the Iranian economy, which consist of expanding its semi-fledgling nuclear program as well as releasing Christians from federal prisons sending them back home.
Supporters likened the reforms to the next Golden Age for the country. Abdullah Khamenei, a campaign supporter, told us in an exclusive interview that “30 years ago, this country was just a simple desert nation with people living in ramshackle adobe houses and the streets being plagued by rogue terrorist earth benders from Iraq. The reforms he promised us will be like the Golden Age for us. Who knows, in 1 to 2 years, I’ll finally get a job and be able to afford a flushing toilet!”
In a news conference on Monday, Rouhani also expressed his desire to improve relations with the United States. “As much as I feel this country needs them as an ally, they just need to stop being all up in our business. It’s kind of like opening the door while someone else is using the bathroom. I need to take care of business to improve my country, and they need to GTFO while I use the bathroom.”
White House officials expressed their concerns over Rouhani’s election. “I mean, he seems like a really nice guy, but we just don’t feel comfortable knowing there’s another country out there that has nuclear technology at its fingertips. We have a responsibility as a first world country to police other countries’ business you know.”
Meanwhile, Hooshang Amirahmadi , an Iranian-born American who also ran for president, returns to his measly low-paying teaching job at Rutgers because, it was in fact, “the longest of longshots”.